I'm really into asian looking animals
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
