Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
not ubering you a puppy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
