Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
