last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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