Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You were trust falling into bushes
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
