dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
