he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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