Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
