Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
