I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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