Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
