i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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