filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
