roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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