Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
