I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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