why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
