i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
