i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
