I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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