3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
