Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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