you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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