Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
