Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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