I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
