my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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