ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
