My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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