Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
