Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
