I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
