I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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