Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
