im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
