So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
we're so committed to being not committed
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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