You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
