He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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