All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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