smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
