I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
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She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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