I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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