Sry I called you an 8
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
