I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
