I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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