I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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