someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
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I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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