My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
