I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
