There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i out mim tonsoeep
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