i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
