I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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