I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
