Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Randomize
