I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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