I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
