I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
