no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
