Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
