Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
